I like silence, there are times I love it. Silence is often beautiful, but it can be perplexing. Especially when it comes out-of-the-blue and there is simply no answer to a text, a call, or why the silence is so loud and long lasting.
I have a loved one who has stopped talking, gone their own way. And the thing is I’ve actually benefited from their choice to be silent as it has been an invitation to look closer at something I’ve always valued. But I won’t lie, it has felt hurtful, disappointing and sad. There are things I’d love to share and can’t. One of the worst things is that there may be misunderstandings and there is no way to even know if that is true or do anything about them.
So what to do? What has helped me is to look at what I really want. And, what I want is for this person to flourish, to thrive, to live life on their own terms. I want to genuinely be glad to see them should I encounter them walking down the street. I don’t want to pester them with texts, or questions, or whatever is unwanted. I’ve no interest in that. I have no interest in changing their mind. I sincerely want them to enjoy their life, their way.
It has also helped me to look at what I can do. I can choose not to gossip, not to assume, not to take it personally, and I can honor their space. There are people in our lives that pass through, some come back to say howdy now and again, others are in it for the long haul, and then there are those that leave and are inexplicably gone. Sometimes they say nothing before they leave and other times their words seem harsh. In the case I’m talking about I was simply connected with people this person had a falling away from and so to connect with me, in some ways may be to connect with them, and that may be difficult. Of course, that is an assumption!
It’s difficult for everyone I know in this group. Sometimes people share around their feelings, but mostly not. It’s a loss. People grieve and often stay silent on the topic. When a person dies, we have funerals. But when someone goes silent, no longer engages, there is no ritual to honor the moment, the situation, and all the many feelings involved.
I think we should have a ritual where we share with others the joy and sadness of these situations – these losses. Maybe it would help if we shared it and maybe even shared it over time. What would we call it – this ritual – I don’t know! Would we serve food, have the neighbors in? Would we do it once or every once in a while. It seems to me it would be a good idea to have at least a day in the year to honor the silent ones in our lives.
I do not want to think of this beautiful soul or the souls connected with them in a way that tarnishes who they are. Because all of the people involved are good people, trying to do their best.
Now, when I miss the silent one I hold a joyful space for them, send on a virtual hug and am grateful for the gifts they have shared with me. And when I think of the them, I can smile – really smile.
Even though I still miss them.
Enjoy the stories, and have a playful day.
~ Mary
P.S. If silence was a duck, would it quack, waddle, fly or swim?
P.P.S. There are many kinds of silence and I am considering a series of posts on this topic.
